What have I become?


One would see me and think that I’m ok, I’m secure mentally and that nothing seems to bother me well let me say this officially I am at war with myself . I hide my true feelings so good that  I am fooled by my actions. Deep down so many things linger and linger and  it makes me feel somewhat trapped in this body of mine.

Growing up this is not the life I planned nor is this close to what I had anticipated.

 

Even if I take it slow or fast these innate compulsions I have won’t let me be

 

I have been avoiding this song in Lauryn Hill’s MTV unplugged, it is bizarre many may say but this is so because of guilt……..me trying to avoid the feeling of guilt. I have never listened to this song exclusively; a friend of mine said that it made him weep but I am not a softie like him so last night on high volume while compressing the ear phones with my hands against my ears after the second verse it had me…..I was hooked, I cautiously listened…until I was consumed.

 “You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself
I just can’t believe that you, would have anything to do
With someone so insecure, someone so immature
Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me
You made my desire pure, you made my desire pure
Just tell me what to say, I can’t find the words to say
Please don’t be mad with me, I have no identity

All that I’ve known is gone, all I was building on
I don’t wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you
Touch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your hands”

My mind and heart felt like they were fighting again; so many mixed feelings came upon me my tears were flowing to every new word that rhymed and connected to me; I chanted as if I knew this song then it happened. This song wasn’t even about to finish when I hastily pulled the earphones out … I was on the floor bawling and for the first time I heard myself emitting such a loud high pitched piercing cry….. …so many things were going through my mind at once….all my trials…my addictions….barriers…all in all what I have become…what I have done…

 

Why won’t I find peace of mind?

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Comments

  • Silver Dragon  On June 1, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Focused on the shadow, with my back turned to the light
    Too intelligent to see it’s me in the way –
    L-Boogie

    Now, that is a line to remember from Lauryn Hill.

  • Raptus  On June 1, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Oh …

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